A couple of weeks ago, I finally caved and bought new pants that fit my slightly skinnier butt. And oh man, there are few better feelings in the world than the one that comes from wearing clothes that fit! I'm still working on my daily uniform, and I've settled into a nice groove wearing jeans, layers that usually include draped tops and vintage knits, and kickass shoes. It's comfy enough to work or play in, but it still feels intentional and put-together.
I will say, shopping for clothing since losing weight has been a jarring and conflictingly wonderful and terrible experience. On one hand, probably 75% more items fit me correctly, which is pretty great. On the other hand, the inherent privilege I've been experiencing as a smaller-bodied person is unsettling. Why does the size-6 me get to wear jeans that fit and the size-10 me didn't? Why does our culture feel the need to pathologize larger-bodied people when clothes don't fit them, instead of simply working to change the clothes so that they do? Why can't the fashion industry be more transparent and non-judgmental about clothing sizing & fit? And why the hell is it fair that my smaller body gets a free pass on dealing with these issues?
I felt comfortable and beautiful as a size 10, and felt in many ways that being visibly satisfied with my body as a larger person was political - like, I'm here, I take up space, and I'm not sorry. Although I like my "new" body, I'm not comfortable with it yet. It's pointier and smaller. I have weirdly prominent collarbones. My face looks different in the mirror. I haven't quite gotten used to looking down and having less of me there. I'm also not sure how to feel about the fact that, consciously or unconsciously, I made myself smaller. Even though it wasn't a choice so much as a side effect, it still feels as I'm tacitly approving of and conforming to societal standards - and pushing back against many of my core values - simply by existing in a smaller body.
I expect that it will take time to figure out all my feelings on the subject, but in the meantime, I'm practicing being kind and patient with myself. (Thankfully, wearing cool shoes and eating Theo ginger chocolate are non-optional aspects of this process.)
Shirt: Thrifted
Camisole: My own design
Cardigan: Thrifted, vintage Halle Brothers
Shoes: Fluevog Coffee Breva (2011, no longer available)
Necklace: Love Nail Tree
2 comments:
Love the vintage knits teamed with stripes! It is weird adjusting to being a different size and shape. After years of being super-tiny, I've gone up a couple of sizes and couldn't fit in my clothes anymore. Very odd shopping for a shape I'm not familiar with! I think the aim is to always feel happy in your own skin, whatever the size. You look fab :) x
This post really spoke to me. My feelings are too complicated to type out, but I just wanted to say thanks for putting yourself out there and talking about this. Most people assume weight loss is 100% awesomeness, so it was really interesting to hear you talk about what you're missing, at least right now, from when you were bigger.
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